Viewed with Wonder

Today was my first day to visit Timothy by myself. Up til today, I'd always gone with Paul or one of the grandparents, and I was a little nervous about how it would go. Would I be able to handle the nursing and the Kangaroo Care with just my two little hands? I'd always had the option of help before. Would I hit one of my emotional lows and need someone to talk me out of it and they not be there? I just didn't know how it would go. But, I'm not nervous anymore.

You see, I haven't been good about reading my Bible these past few weeks. I blame it on recovering from the c-section and being tired and worried. But in reality, I just let those things get in the way. In all my life, this was the time I should have been reading my Bible the most. So, I took my Bible with me so that I could read it during the quiet times.

I got there and changed his diaper and we started nursing and he did so well! After about 20 minutes, he got tired, so we turned on the gavage feeding and, somehow, I managed to get us settled in for Kangaroo Care. He was all snuggled up against me, skin to skin, and I pulled out my Bible and started reading Psalms out loud. And for the 30 minutes that I read aloud, his numbers were great. He didn't desat one time and his heart and respiratory rates stayed right where they should be. He slept while I read, but every time I finished a psalm, he would open one eye and look up at me until I started reading the next. And then he would close his eyes and snuggle back up and sleep.

It was one of the most amazing and wondrous things I have ever witnessed.

Day 4

Today was good and bad.  I was diligent about getting up and getting ready for church, but we left later than we like to.  We weren't technically late, buuuuuut.....

I had a hard time with my attitude today.  I need to be getting more sleep, because when I don't, all logic and reasoning skills go right out the window and I am reduced to running on emotion.  My inner child comes screaming (literally, screaming) to the fore and I wish to do nothing more than indulge in tantrums all day long.  I let little things that I can usually rationalize away (like: hating my job well, it's money to pay off debt and get a new car; or: I don't get to spend enough time with Paul well, he's in school and we're working hard to create a better life for ourselves and things will be better and easier in a few years; etc) overwhelm me until I can see only the problem and no solutions.  Church usually helps a LOT with this situation, and it certainly did today, but I still felt overwhelmed and cranky for most of the day.

We had a good afternoon at Grandma and Papa's house, just hanging out with the family.  B&J came over and it was a lot of fun to play with Lil' J.  Getting excited to meet Lil' J#2!  It was a good family afternoon.  We came home  a little earlier than usual, but we wanted to break the not-sleeping cycle.  I finished up some chores and Paul did homework.  And then, wonder of wonders!  I actually got to PRACTICE my HORN!  I can't believe it.  It felt really good to play and even though I only played for about 25 minutes, it was just a really nice session.  I'd forgotten how much I miss really playing.  I think I'll make it a regular habit again.  And, who knows?  Once I find a job with a better schedule, maybe I'll be able to join a community band or orchestra.  That would be a lot of fun.  :-)

I have an 8 am meeting tomorrow for work.  blech. I'm supposing it's all good news and policy updates, but I really do not want to fight 7 am traffic to find out. Oh! I almost forgot!  I have applied for a bunch of secretarial jobs at the Community College down here (better hours, better pay, less traffic) and some of them closed on Friday (some next Friday), so I am hoping and praying to begin receiving callbacks tomorrow.  Pray for that, please?  Our busy schedule is really getting to us both.

Time for bed soon.  Planning on getting there on time tonight and really feeling better tomorrow.  Happy Sunday!

Day 3

Not so hot today.  I'm just SO exhausted at 5:30!  Stupid staying up late for the last two weeks.  I think that needs to be a new focus of my study in diligence.  I need to be more diligent about getting to bed on time. It will make my morning routine better, it will make my work day better, the potential for fewer migraines is there, and if we go to bed on time, even Paul might feel better!

Soooo, yeah.  I went back to sleep this morning and did absolutely nothing!  I needed the sleep, tho, so I don't consider it a total loss.

Day 2

I did partly well and partly not well.  Here's the list.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  (Hopefully I can get to bed on time tonight!)

• Stayed awake when Paul left, check and kinda not check
• Exercised, check 
• Chores, not a single one! 
• Bible Study, check
• Left for work at 9:00, no. siiiiiiigh
• Didn't sit down when I got home, check

  

Day 1

God gave me great motivation this morning.  I stayed awake and did everything I was supposed to do.

• Stayed awake when Paul left, check 
• Exercised, check 
• Chores, check 
• Bible Study, check 
• Left for work at 9:00, nope, not even close!  sigh.  
• Didn't sit down when I got home, check

I'm feeling really good about this.  I've just gotta get better about leaving for work on time! 

Back on the Wagon Again

As you may have noticed, I haven't been posting lately.  There's a very good reason behind this, which then morphs into a less good reason and eventually becomes a lion. On the 22nd of March, I developed a migraine.  Not uncommon for me; in fact, quite the contrary! Anyway, this migraine lasted for four days, keeping me from work, from play, from chores. Pretty much all I did way lay around and complain.   I'm pretty sure Paul was as tired of me being sick as I was!  Poor man. Had to do all the chores.

Anyway, long story short, went to the doctor, got a shot, fell asleep, migraine went away, then came back with a vengeance, then went away again.  And that pretty much brings us to today!  Yeah.  It's amazing how missing a few days can take you allllllllll the way back to square one.

I will say that once the migraine went away, I did very well at not putting things off. If something needed doing, I'd do it right then and not wait, but I did NOT do anything at all as regards my morning routine or chores or exercise. It just kept building up. This Monday I was all set to get back on track. I was re-energized from Sunday (man, I LOVE church!), BUT, I had a meeting at work. But then, the meeting go postponed, so then I was back on track. But then I spent an hour and a half (an hour and a half!) playing FrontierVille on FaceBook *hangs head in shame*.

But the Lord gave me a swift poke in the ribs, increased my motivation and I got that distraction out of my life.  Ok.  Motivated again.  But then, I was undiligent about getting to bed on time (for the 5th day in a row) and was too tired (did anybody see my lion? I know I put him somewhere around here....) to stay awake on Tuesday and get things done.  siiiiigh.

BUT, I'm back now.  I got a lot done today!  I'm feeling really good and motivated.

Tomorrow?  Walking the dogs and cleaning (like, REALLY cleaning) the kitchen!  Plus, Bible study, the normal round of laundry and dishes, AND, since I've ditched the time wasters I'm hoping to have time to practice my horn (like, REALLY practice!).  That would be wonderful!

Pray for me, please.  I'm really going to need it.  Day 1 begins again tomorrow.

Purging

So, today, I got rid of FarmVille and FrontierVille on Facebook.  I had been thinking about doing it for awhile.  They were getting overwhelming.  I don't know how to explain that any further.  It just took so much time! I mean, I guess, I chose to give it the time.  I would sit down to play one or the other just for a few minutes and then "I'll start that new book, or maybe practice my horn, or maybe finish that afghan I started 15 years ago" and the next thing I knew it was 2 hours later and I'd done nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  No reading, no practicing, no crocheting.  No anything productive.  All my free time just poof! all gone.  And wasted.  It's not like they are particularly useful games.  No skills involved or gained.  No lessons learned. No wits matched. No social interaction. Don't get me wrong, they are fun.  And if other people play them and love them, there is no condemnation from me. Have fun and enjoy! They were just taking over my world.  And they are definite time-wasters.  So, in the spirit of diligence and sloth-less-ness, they are gone.

I don't think I'll miss them.

Day 12: "Hang on, World! Here I come!"

Today I kept to my new schedule!  I know, can you believe it?! I was super motivated and did everything I was supposed to do and then got to work and it sucked.  It was slow and boring and lame.  gah. I need a new job.  One where "work" is actually part of the day. sigh.

I waited too long to eat (not my fault, we didn't have enough people to cover the floor until the manager got back, and he didn't get back til after 3. sigh), so I started getting a migraine.  It's mostly gone now, and I'm hoping a good night's sleep keeps it away.  And then, we had actual customers, but the didn't come in until 6:50, so we didn't get off work until 7:30.  I am SO sick of retail! ahhhhhhh.

Did I mention I need a new job?  Yeah. I've applied. Just waiting on some phone calls. waiting, waiting.  

Anyway, on to the checklist:

• Stayed awake when Paul left, check
• Exercised, check
• Chores, check
• Bible Study, check
• Left for work at 9:00, nope (still got there at time, tho)
• Didn't sit down when I got home, check

Mood: Tired, but motivated.  Today (at least outside of the 10 hours I was at "work") was a good and productive day.
Tomorrow's Forecast: More of same, but better! 

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My New Schedule

Daily Schedule

Morning
5:30 - 6:00 - Get up, Paul leaves for work
6:00 - 6:20 - Maintaining Chores (dishes, laundry, etc)
6:20 - 6:40 - Exercise
6:40 - 7:00 - Bible Study
7:00 - 8:00 - Daily Chores
8:00 - 9:00 - Get ready for work (if time available, then free time!)
9:00 - LEAVE FOR WORK!

Evening
8:00 - 9:30 - Dinner, Little Chores, Relax
9:30 -10:00 - Get ready for Bed, Read Bible
10:00 - LIGHTS OUT!

Weekly Schedule

Sunday

Yoga Stretches 

Dishes 

One load of laundry 

Monday 

Walk Dogs 

Bedrooms 

Tuesday 

Walk Dogs 

Bathrooms 

Laundry Room 

Entry Way 

Wednesday 

Yoga Stretches 

Grocery Shopping 

Yard Work 

Clean out Cars 

Dishes

One load of Laundry 

Thursday 

Walk Dogs 

Kitchen 

Friday 

Yoga Stretches 

Living Room 

Hallway 

Saturday 

Walk Dogs 

Update Budget 

Garage 

Halfway

Where HAS the time gone? It's hard to believe I'm halfway to my goal.  I'm simultaneously relieved that I have more time for improvement and bummed out because I thought I'd be further along with the "ingrainedness" of the habits by now.  What can I say? I'm a perfectionist. It may will never be good enough. I just will have to keep getting better.

My sweet cousin emailed me today to tell me that she thinks I'm being too hard on myself.  She was very encouraging in reminding me that marriage is a partnership and I shouldn't try to take everything on myself.  And she is very right.  But I want to make it clear: this new venture into diligence is not due to any lack in my husband, nor is it at his behest.  Indeed, he is the best person I know and he is an amazing provider and my best friend.  This Search for Diligence is simply because I know that God expects my best out of me. My Best. Not my "I can do this easily and without effort", not my "I kind of got that done".  My best.  Whether it's at work or in worship or while I'm driving or grocery shopping.  God expects me to be my best and do my best and that is what matters.  These 21 days are just a way to start being conscious of doing that.  To make me think about what I do, but to be better than my human nature. To make sure that I always put Paul and our family first and don't allow little things to slide. I want to be able to teach my children good and life-long habits and that will be easier to do if they are also my habits.  This isn't my way of complaining or having a pity party.  This is just accountability.

I've been reflecting a lot today.  As a teacher, you learn to examine and review and reflect on what you're doing and it's efficacy.  You learn to monitor student reactions and input, review this information and use it to be a more effective teacher the next time you approach that lesson (whether it's doing things exactly the same or changing things up a bit). This "monitoring and adjusting" of lesson plans is so integral to being a teacher that, eventually, you learn to do it not only at the end of the lesson or day, but on the fly.  You learn to adjust course midstream.  I find it an invaluable tool; one that I use every day (and in fact, I might not be able to turn it off!), it seems, so naturally I am applying it to this endeavor.

I have been reflecting on how well I'm doing with being diligent (fair to middling. Not stellar) and if/how I need to change things to be more diligent - or, perhaps, better encourage myself in being diligent. A couple of things have come to mind. I need to revise the current plan and then add to it.

First, the revisions:
I'm taking the alarm clock thing off the list.  That's it.  No more alarm clock goal.  The reason is that it's a pointless goal if I meet the other goal of staying awake after Paul leaves. And it just muddies up the accounting.  Also, I'm going to change my post format somewhat.  I'll still talk about my day, mood, etc, but at the end I'm going to add a checklist.  I like lists.  In fact, I might even LOVE lists.  So this really is a good thing!

Now, the additions:
I need to start planning out my morning chores.  Currently I'm just doing the basics...the maintenance chores, if you will...fold laundry, do the dishes, straighten up the living room.  You know, just enough to keep the house habitable.  Which, don't get me wrong, is a HUGE step forward for me. It's a great blessing to have all those things done; to not fret about them while I'm at "work" not doing anything. But, more needs to happen. I need to dust. Vacuum. Go through things. I'm going to take a page from my sister and divide the house into sections and do one section each day.  If I do just a little bit each day, but do it WELL, it won't be so overwhelming.  And, that way, over the course of a week, the whole house is clean.  Then, maybe my day off can be devoted to the really BIG projects.  Like cleaning out the garage.  Or mowing the yard.  Or going to the park and having a picnic.

So, step 1, make a daily chore list and (here's the kicker) stick to it. I am still struggling with the "the top of the fridge doesn't need to be washed because nobody can see it" mentality. In reality, though, keeping things like that done isn't hard, doesn't take too much time and is actually healthier.  Ya know?

Ok, make a chore chart. check.

Next. While I'm in the process of showing gratitude to the Lord by taking care of the things with which He has blessed us, I also need to be caring for my body and spirit. I need to show my gratitude for my health by maintaining it and improving it.  I need to be eating the right things (fewer refined foods, fewer carbs, more protein and fiber) and I need to exercise.  I found some low-impact yoga-style exercises (great for my genetically defective knees!) and I want to start doing them 3-4 times per week. I should also be getting fresh air and now is the perfect time for early morning walks. Which, incidentally, will greatly benefit the dogs, who have been neglected of late (though, they are still extremely spoiled!).  

Ok, daily chores and daily exercise. check and check. I'm sensing more list making on the horizon!

I also need to be diligent aobut my spiritual growth. Of course we go to church every Sunday and Bible Study every Wednesday, but it's not like those are the only days I'm alive. It's not like Satan only attacks on Sundays and Wednesdays. I need to be studying and memorizing and learning scriptures so that they are on the tip of my tongue and in my heart all the time.  So I can call them up when I need them. We read our Bible and pray every night before bed, but I feel like I need to start my day with time with the Lord. I need that time to remember my priorities. I've noticed that when I take the time to read the Bible and meditate upon it and pray, my day is better. It's easier for me to treat people as fellow children of God. My patience is stronger and I'm just nicer. So why is it so easy not to do this?

So, to sum up: daily chores, daily exercise, and daily Bible study and prayer. check, check and check. 

Overall, I feel pretty good about this.  I'm making progress and feeling more and more peaceful about the world around me. I'm still struggling with my inherent laziness, but I think that will be a lifetime struggle.

Days 10 & 11: "Bi-polar, indeed!"

Oops.  Guess I need to get more diligent about posting every day.  Is that irony?  So, why didn't I post?  Let me 'splain.  No. There is too much. Let me sum up.

Saturday was yucky. (mostly) I was just kind of tired and cranky and didn't want to be at work or do anything at all.  Diligence took a back seat to the Pity Party of One.  But then, I got to go to a baby shower for some sweet friends and the day definitely got better then!  Who can maintain a (unreasonable) bad mood when surrounded by little pink, frilly things?  No one.

Today was great!  Church was just what I needed and it gave me a definite boost in motivation and comfort.  No sign of a bad mood anymore.

Mood: feeling great!
Tomorrow's Forecast: the half-way point. Look for reflections and reviews.


Oh, and PS?  I shouldn't be sore from just an hour or so of not-that-hard-at-all yardwork.

Day 9: "This is a good day for cookie dough."

Me: 1, Diligence: Big FAT 0.

But, I was on time to work.  wooooo.

Work was boring. blech. I wish tomorrow were Sunday. I need church.


Mood: Defeated. Prayers needed.
Tomorrow's Forecast: No idea.

Day 8: "One Week Down, a Lifetime to Go"

I caved and wore green today.  I normally don't.  (Not sure why, but I imagine it's sheer contrariness.)

But, when I was reaching for a non-green shirt, I could hear all the comments I would get about "green" and "pinches" and I knew that I couldn't deal with that.  Not today.  So, I wore green and avoided any and all comments.  Whew!

Now, on to Day 8 and the Weekly Review.

The stats are: Staying awake after Paul leaves for work: 3/7 days
Getting to work on time: 1/7 days
Getting up with my alarm: 4/7 days
"I can do that later": didn't keep track.
Being productive when I get home from work: 3/7 days



Not bad, but I can do better.

Mood: Reflective
Tomorrow's Forecast: It's Friday, so that means we close at 6 instead of 7.  Yay for an extra hour of freedom!  Also, Happy Birthday to Mom and Sam!

Day 7: " *yawn* It's my day off."

Today I slept in til 9:15 and pretty much didn't do anything at all today. No wait.  We did do stuff.  Actually, now that I think on it, we were surprisingly productive, for having done nothing at home. We went to Home Depot (one of Paul's toy stores...), went to the AT&T store (another of Paul's toy stores), went to Target to get gifts for a friends baby shower, returned some pants to Academy and went to Aldi for grocery shopping.  Then, we got invited to B&T's house for dinner before church.  It was great fun!  Hamburgers, hotdogs and brats. mmmmm.

At church we discussed current events and how Christians are supposed to deal with them.  The overall message?  God is on His throne, so have faith, pray and don't worry.  That's a good message.

So, productive day?  yes.  Good day off? yes.  I like it when those things go together.

Mood: Sleepy and slightly cranky about having to go to work tomorrow. Overall though, I'm content.
Tomorrow's Forecast: I'ma Git-R-Done!

Day 6: "Ehhhhhh"

This morning was a flop.

Lack of Motivation: 1, Me: 0

I didn't go back to sleep after Paul left, but only just barely. I also didn't unload and reload the dishwasher or fold the laundry. sigh. I didn't even manage to update the budget! In fact, the only thing I managed to do was play FrontierVille (shut up, it's a good game!), update my blog, and wish I had gone back to sleep.

Oh! And I was on time to work.  Major victory, huh?  Of course, I didn't actually leave on time.  I attribute it to Spring Break and a wonderful lack of traffic.  SO, major victory, no. Minor triumph, yes. And all I can say is, it's a step in the right direction.

Mood: Still just so happy from Date Night.  (sushi and a movie. It was sublime!)
Tomorrow's Forecast: My Day Off - potentially an actual Day OFF (well, minus grocery shopping), due to my new-found diligence.  This is an exciting prospect!

Day 5: "But I don't WANNA!"

Diligently speaking, today was not a good day.  I got up EXHAUSTED!  Paul left for work and I went to fold the laundry.  In the 5 minutes that took, the dogs got into the trash and had it strewn about the living room.  It made me irrationally angry. So, I read my Bible and took myself back to bed.  I don't know if that's considered sloth or not, but the sleep was much needed and I felt much better after I woke up.  I was still late to work.  sigh.  I may never get there on time. Didn't do chores before bed, either.  This is getting very difficult!

Mood: ambivalent
Tomorrow's Forecast: DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!

Day 4: "Stupid Daylight Saving Time!"

I want my hour of sleep back, thank you very much!  Argh! It was very difficult to get out of bed this morning.  We overslept by about a half an hour, but I still managed to load the dishwasher and put in a load of laundry before church.  We left for church right on time! (Paul keeps me honest about time frames and deadlines and such). Church was really nice. Elder Royce preached a great sermon on Ephesians 1:3-14.  It was very comforting.  We had visitors, so that was neat too.  I hope they come back! We were going to play Volleyball with the kids, but one of the cement-filled tires that holds the volleyball poles got dropped on a young man's foot, so they had to head to the ER, effectively taking away half our players!  We'll try again next Sunday.  Volleyball is fun!  And, thankfully, his foot was only bruised.  Not broken!  I am discovering that, with the chores being kept up, I don't fret about Sunday afternoon.  I enjoy our time with the family without worrying about all the chores that need to be done. It's a huge relief!

Mood: Tired
Tomorrow's Forecast: Bah! It's Monday.

Day 3: *breathes sigh of relief when I see my clean kitchen*

Today was better than yesterday in that I stayed awake and worked on chores - I cleaned the living room, did more dishes, folded the laundry.  Nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary.  Just those normal, never ending chores.  I'm noticing a new-found calm about my house.  Or, I guess I should say, a new-found calm regarding my house.  Things are done.  It won't take very long to pick up the few things that are lying around. It's much easier to clean the house when it's already clean.

Mood: calm
Tomorrow's Forecast: It's church!  It's going to be a great day!

Day 2 "Can I start this diligence thing on Monday?"

This morning did NOT go well. Bah! I was SO tired.  So, I went back to bed.  No chores, no tidying up, no motivation of any kind. But, on the plus side, even though I didn't get up with my alarm (in my defense, I didn't actually hear it at first - though, I'm not sure it's a valid defense since I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing in the first place.  But I digress.), I got to work at 9:48.  That's a big improvement! Yay! This evening I got home and worked on dishes while Paul made dinner.  Then I folded laundry and straighted up whilst we waited for Tiny, the Hamster to get here. (We're watching her while her family's out of town).  I was pleased that I didn't waste that time by going online or goofing off.  I used my time wisely!  Maybe that makes up for going back to be this morning.

Mood: motivated, but tired. This is going to be hard.
Tomorrow's forecast: It's Saturday!!!!!! (that means business at work, woot!)

Day 1 "Let's DO this!"

Today, I stayed awake after Paul left for work and did the dishes and the laundry and some general tidying up.  I was late for work, though.  I've gotta work on that.  I know it's cuz I'm not crazy about my job, but that doesn't matter  They hired me and I agreed to hold myself to their policies.  That means being there at 9:45.  Not 9:51. sigh.  I'll try again tomorrow. I taught a lesson this evening, so it was a pretty long day, but I still managed to come home and do some before bed chores before I got on facebook. :-)  Looking forward to tomorrow!

Mood: motivated
Tomorrow's Forecast: it's going to be a great day!

21 Days of Diligence

On Sunday, my preacher beat me up. He stepped on my toes, kicked me in the shins and bruised my ego. In short, he gave me a much needed kick in the pants.  The topic could have had many titles: Diligence vs. Slothfulness; Living Your Life on Purpose (because you were created for a purpose); Stop Being Lazy and Do What You're Supposed to Do. You know, something along those lines.

His text was 5 simple verses we've all heard preached dozens of times - Proverbs 6:6-11

"Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise:
Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler,
Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest.
How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?
Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:
So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man."

I won't try to reiterate the whole sermon. You can listen to it here (eventually) and I highly suggest you do, but here are the main points.

1. We show our gratitude to God for the things He has given us by taking care of those things.

2. God is not pleased with sloth or laziness.

3. Sloth and laziness WILL result in poverty.

4. Sloth affects your physical body - you choose to be lazy and not do anything, then, because you aren't doing anything, you become too tired to do anything and it just keeps spiraling downward.  Like when you sleep in too long and you just feel more tired, so you sleep more, but you just feel more tired.

Proverbs 19:15 "Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep: and an idle soul shall suffer hunger." (notice the "and". These two ideas not only agree, but the second is the result of the first.) 

Proverbs 19:24 "A slothful man hideth his hand in his bosom, and will not so much as bring it to his mouth again."

5. You will make excuses to justify your laziness (to yourself and others) and eventually, the excuse will be so outlandish that no one will believe you at all. And then you'll have lost the faith of your family and friends and boss, etc.

Proverbs 22:13 "The slothful man saith, There is a lion without, I shall be slain in the streets."

6. If you are diligent and do what you're supposed to do, you WILL* have enough.

Proverbs 20:13 "Love not sleep, let thou some to poverty: Open thine eyes and thou shalt be satisfied with bread." 

Proverbs 12:24 "The hand of the diligent shall bear rule: but the slothful shall be under tribute."

So now, back to me.  I have known for awhile now that I have been very slothful when it comes to my job as a keeper at home and wife. Instead, I have been letting myself get consumed and overwhelmed by my worldly job - the hours, the driving distance and time, the cranky people, the stretches of mind-numbing boredom - they all add up to give me really lovely excuses about why I am shirking my real responsibilities.

At first it was "I'm just not used to this schedule. I'm too tired for chores right now. I'll do them later."

Then it was "I need to sleep in. I can't operate on [insert # of hours here] of sleep. I won't be any good to anybody. Besides, who does it really affect if the dishes and laundry aren't done? No one but Paul and me. and we're adults. We can manage."

*Side Note: Remember that spiral of lazy-no work-lazy?  I think that the hours of boredom - of idleness - at work do contribute to my overall attitude about, and acceptance of, sloth. When you spend the majority of your day being idle - not working or accomplishing anything or being productive - it sucks out your energy and just perpetuates that cycle, even after you get home and have the chance to do work. God created us to work. When we don't, things (physical, mental, emotional) get bad.


Then it morphed into "I know I should do this, but I just don't want to."

And now it's....not even a question. I do chores when I HAVE to. I sleep in as much as possible and when I get home from work, I sit on the couch until bed time.  No excuses needed.

See the selfishness? The pride? The ME? I should have been thanking God for all His many blessings. I should have been thanking my husband for being such a great provider. I should have been doing what the Lord created me to do. Instead, I pushed aside the guilt and made myself the most important thing. Maybe I could have avoided adding 'hypocrite' to the list if I had been honest about what I was doing. If I had just looked at Paul and said "I'm sorry. I'm more important than you or your comfort. I'll meet my desires, and if I have energy left, of if it becomes a real necessity, then I'll do stuff for you."  Instead, I tried to make myself feel better about not being a good helpmeet by complaining about not being a good helpmeet.
"it's my job - I just don't have time to vacuum more than once a year."
"I know I should get this done, but I'm just so tired!"
"I should take better care of you. I'm sorry I'm such a horrible wife!"
And, amazing man that he is, he never once condemned me for not doing my job. He just kept on loving me and sacrificing for me and telling me how wonderful I am. Truly the epitome of the Ephesians 5 husband!

And so all of this laziness and hypocrisy and guilt just kept building up and I felt depressed and out of control and WHATDOIDO?


And then came Sunday. The Kick in the Pants. My "aha!" Moment. My "Duh! How did I possibly not know this?!".  Call it what you want, it happened.  I feel SO much better! I now have a goal and a purpose. I am resolved to be diligent and not slothful. To be grateful to God for what He's given me. To show my gratitude by taking care of things and fulfilling the responsibilities He's set upon me.  I am going to cultivate good habits now so that I can pass them on to my children (and so I don't feel like a fraud when I insist they get busy and do their chores). I am going to be ACTIVE. To paraphrase, I'm going to happen to life, rather than let life happen to me. I am going to live on purpose, for the purpose for which I was created.

So, what will my new-found diligence entail?  Well, for one thing, it takes 21 days to form a good habit (and about 21 seconds to break it), so that's my first mini-goal.  See what I look like in 21 days, reassess and keep working at it. Secondly, there are some slothful habits I have now that I need to identify, target and destroy. I need to be aware when I'm falling back into them and make a concerted effort to replace them with better habits.

They are (in no particular order):

• going back to bed after Paul leaves for work (but, I'm so sleeeeeepy!)
• being late for work (it takes more than 20 minutes to drive 25 miles)
• not getting up with my alarm (possibly contributes to the being late?)
• "I can do that later" (I can, but I won't)
•  sitting down on the couch as soon as I get home (I'll just rest for a bit)

 I'm sure there are more, but I think this is enough for now. The point of this is to change my life, not get mired down in how sinful and depraved I am.

Instead, I will:

• Stay awake after he leaves and find SOMETHING to do around the house.
• Leave for work at 9:00.  This gives me 45 minutes to get there.
• Negated by the first one.  If I get up with Paul's alarm, I don't have to set my own!
• "I will do it now. It won't take that long and then I don't have to do it later."
• I will put my stuff away and then find chores to do. Dishwasher, laundry, etc. 

And, on that note, I guess this post is coming to an end.  I have my goals and am eager to implement them. I know it won't be easy, but by the grace of God, I will be a better person.  And maybe one day, I'll be the person God created me to be.  I'm going to do daily updates about my progress.  Hopefully, by being able to see my progress, it will encourage me to keep trying. Pray for me!

And hold on to your seats.  We're about to get very sequiturous in here!

A Tough, but Right, Call

Let me just start by saying that I find Westboro Baptist to be reprehensible, hateful, ugly, horrid, disgusting, evil (and every other word along these lines), and completely unChristian.  I do not condone a single thing they have to say or any of their beliefs. 

BUT.

The Supreme Court made the right decision.  They protected free speech, and, unfortunately, that doesn't mean just protecting the nice speech.  These people call themselves a church.  A church. If the Supreme Court had ruled against them, that would have opened the floodgates to start taking away the free speech rights of legitimate churches.  Pastors would either be afraid of preaching the truth or would find themselves labeled as criminals simply for preaching their beliefs.  It would be wrong to punish all churches for the inconceivably detestable actions of one. 

So, support the Supreme Court because, in this at least, they made the right decision.  And then condemn Westboro Baptist.  Don't be hateful to them, because that's just playing by their rules.  I think the best thing we can do is pray for them to change their beliefs and then ignore them.  They want attention.  They want the media to display their banners and allow them to rant and rave their psychotic ideas.  They want you to listen to them.  They are trying to convert people.  Don't give them that!

Proverbs 14:7 Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge.

Ignore them! No media coverage.  No reaction. I heard one talk show host say that he was willing to grant them air time to keep them away from an upcoming funeral.  Apparently, they will sign a contract that they will stay away from individual funerals (not all funerals) if they are given airtime.  It's a nice sentiment on his part; trying to protect the family from all that hate, but ultimately, it just gives in to blackmail.  Don't give them airtime.  Don't give them the opportunity to spread their filthy lies.  Don't give them the chance to sway others to their cause.  You can't debate them because they are so convinced that they will never be turned (only God can do that) and you'll just end up looking like a fool. 
The irony of this whole situation is that the soldiers they are condemning are fighting, in part, to protect their right to say these horrid things! I respect our soldiers so much for their ability to continue fighting even in the face of such ingratitude.  I don't know that I could.

And this is all the attention I will give Westboro Baptist. They don't deserve any further recognition.  In fact, I only started this post to support the Supreme Court.  It was a tough decision.

Proverbs 23:9 Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.

Proverbs 26:4 Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.