Thankfulness in 2012

 **** See this post as an explanation. As if thanks needs an explanation. Anyway. Enjoy!****

#47. 12-10 Today I am thankful for the end of the semester! We have a whole month where Paul has no homework, which means we can do family stuff!

#46. 12-9 Today I am thankful for having such a lovely afternoon and evening at Grandma's.

0#45. 12-8 Today I am thankful for a fun Christmas party with Paul's new work. He works for a great company and with such nice people. God really has blessed us in that!

#44. 11-26 Today I am thankful that my migraine has gone away. It wasn't a fun night, but I feel so much better.

#43. 11-25 Today I am thankful for a fun and quiet evening spent with Paul's parents. What a nice night!

#42. 11-24 Today I am thankful for Paul's amazing forgiving spirit. I was so cranky all day yesterday, but he has forgiven me and still seems to want to spend time with me. What an amazing man! Also, I am thankful for a really good night's sleep. Timothy pushed two teeth out yesterday and last night and so he slept! I feel great!
 
#41. 11-23 Today I am thankful for Paul's first Black Friday off in over 15 years. He is sooooo happy about it!

#40. 11-22 Today is Thanksgiving Day! (Need I say more?) Today, more than any day this month, even more than his birthday, I am acutely aware of how much the Lord has blessed us by giving us Timothy. He is happy and alert and intelligent and healthy. Last year at this time, we were so scared and unsure of his future. What a difference a year has made!

#39. 11-21 Today I am thankful for my sweet baby boy who makes me laugh when he so earnestly "tells" me his stories. He summed his morning nap up very succinctly when he finished wiggling out from under the covers, gave me a sleepy smile, wiggled some more and then looked me directly in the eyes and declared "BOP!".

#38. 11-20 Today I am thankful that I got to spend the afternoon with some wonderful and amazing kiddos (whom I just happen to get to call family!). I really love hanging out with those guys!

#37. 11-10 Today I am thankful for a timely sermon which addressed something with which I've been struggling. Isn't it amazing how God works?

#36. 11-9 Today I am thankful that I got to go eat breakfast with two very good childhood friends and then got to go eat dinner with a sweet and wonderful family whom I've only known for a short while. Here's to friends, new and old! Thank God for them!

#35. 11-2 Today I am thankful to be celebrating Timothy's first Birthday. What an amazing blessing God has given us!

#34. 10-28 Today I am thankful for my husband's family. They are so kind and caring and decent and they treat me like one of their own. They make me miss my family just a little less. Also, I'm thankful for my sweet, soon-to-be new sister. I can't wait for her to join the family. She makes me laugh.

 #33. 10-27 Today I am thankful for the chance to go hang out with some wonderful friends and musicians. We had such fun at the Bluegrass get-together! It was cold, but totally worth it. I love spending time with those folks.

#32. 10-26 Today I am thankful for feeling so much better! I'm so glad we got to hang out with friends and family last night. I definitely need the companionship.

#31. 10-25 Today I am thankful for mommies who have been there, who don't judge me when I feel like I'm going insane, who give me advice when I ask for it (and never when I don't, even though sometimes I wish they would!), and who tell me the truth about this mommy business, rather than the rose-tinted nonsense that the world tries to sell.

#30. 8-8
Today I am thankful for a joy-filled, peaceful and productive day at home with my beloved.

I am also thankful for this:            x f                   nk,ZZZZZZZZ


The above was brought to you by Timothy, who should be sleeping, but instead is alternately yelling and laughing (both hysterically) at his mama and daddy. The irony of him typing "zzzzz" is not lost on us.

#29. 8-7
Today I am thankful for a drop in temperature in the afternoons the past few days so that Timothy and I can go outside and enjoy ourselves!

#28. 8-6
Today I am grateful for God's grace and forgiveness. It's good to know that even when I fail to fulfill my promises or intentions, it isn't held against me. I'm trying to get back into posting a daily thanks. Here goes!

#27. 2-15
Today I am thankful for the budget. It keeps me from doing stupid things.

How is your budget treating you this year?
 
#26. 2-14
Today, I am thankful for a broken alternator and the resulting day off work for my husband. It has been a much-needed and relaxing day off. In related news, I'm also quite thankful for a newly-repaired truck and the emergency fund.

Do you have an emergency fund?

#25. 2-5
Today, I am thankful for an uplifting and convicting sermon. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Isn't God good?

How was your Sunday?

#24. 2-4
Today I am thankful for my new clothesline!

Ain't she purty?

There is just something wonderful about clothes flapping in the breeze on a sunny day.


How have you been blessed today?

#23. 2-3
Today, I am thankful for the good health of my friend who just had her baby. Welcome to the world, Asa!

#22. 2-1 Today I am thankful to have spent one more year with my one and only. Happy Birthday, my love! Here's to another wonderful year of your life.

#21. 1-31
Today I am thankful for class ditching and John Wayne on NetFlix. It's been a wonderful, quiet evening at home, snuggled up with my boys on the couch.

#20. 1-30 Today, I am thankful for getting to teach horn lessons. All day today, I have been overwhelmed by the idea of teaching them, because it just means more time away from Paul, and I worry about how Timothy will behave, and I worry that I am not a good enough horn player to be a good teacher. But all that went away after I taught them. I love teaching (some days I really miss it), and this is such a wonderful way to get to keep using the skills God gave me.

#19. 1-29 Today, I am thankful for a great time spent at Grandma's house. I got to have a nap and then we got to spend time with the family, just talking and eating and watching Marme and Grandma take turns holding Timothy. I really love that we spend Sundays with the family.

#18. 1-28. See this post.

#17. 1-27
Today, I am thankful for gift cards. I love shopping with other people's money! :-)

#16. 1-26 Today I am thankful for my mama, who, even tho I am grown up, still takes such good care of he children and always extends that care to my friends. I hope I can be even half the mother she is.

#15. 1-25
Today I am thankful for a quiet, rainy day spent with my family.

#14. 1-24
Today, I am thankful for an all-knowing, loving, merciful God. I am grieving for my friends who just lost their baby at 23 weeks. I have an inkling of the fear they felt while at the hospital, but God, in His mercy, spared me from the devastating grief they now endure. I am so thankful that they believe in God and I pray they feel Him with them; that they are comforted by His presence and find peace. I am so thankful they fought so hard to save their little boy, that they resisted the pressure put on them by their bully of a doctor and the hospital to consider her life more important than an unborn babe's. I am thankful that they refused to give up on him, that they loved him and knew his life was precious. They are an amazing testament of strength and faith.

#13. 1-14
Today I am thankful for a laid-back, sling-loving little boy; it makes errand running ever so much easier!

#12. 1-12 Today, I am thankful for FIVE HOURS OF SLEEP IN A ROW!!!!  I don't know how it happened, but it did and I loved it! Now, could someone please explain to me why I'm still so tired? :)

#11. 1-11 Today I am thankful for the return of (and my return to) Wednesday night Bible Study. Oh, how I've missed it! There's just something about not having it that makes the week seem incredibly long and hard. I wasn't able to attend in November and early December at all due to Timothy being in the NICU and then him coming home (and needing to be kept away from germs), and then study was canceled due to people being gone for the holidays. But, now it's back and I am so happy!

#10. 1-10
Today I am thankful for a quiet night at home with Paul and Timothy. This is one of the last before school starts back up for the semester and I am keenly aware of how I'll miss them.

#9. 1-9 Today, I am thankful for understanding parents and students. I had my first lesson of the year today and Paul wasn't able to be home, so it was just me and Timothy and my student and her mother. Timothy did really well for the first 30 minutes, but was practically inconsolable for the last 15. They were so understanding about it all and didn't seem upset in the least! I still feel bad about it, but at least we now know what we're facing.

 #8. 1-8 Today, I am thankful for good friends. We had a great time with Brooke and family last night. What wonderful people!

#7. 1-7
Today, I am thankful for...


It is especially hard for me to come up with something for today's thanks. Timothy is going through a growth spurt and is nursing constantly and so I am getting very little quality sleep. To top it off, he has also added a 3-4 hour stretch of time where he is just wide awake and mildly fussy, which I could handle a lot easier if it were during daylight hours, but instead it tends to happen somewhere around 8pm and go on from there. Last night, he was awake from 8:45-12:45. Woke up at 2:45 to eat. Woke up at 3:45 to eat. Woke up at 4:45 to eat. Woke up at 5:45 to eat. Actually slept til 7:45, but then woke up at 7:45, 8:45, 9:45, 10:45 and 11:45 etc, etc, etc,  all to eat. And we aren't talking nibbling here. No, he's eating for 15 minutes solid. Suffice it to say that I am exhausted, and, apparently, have thrown myself a Pity Party.

*sniff*
*snuffle*
*tear*
*sob*

But, it is about to be over. Like a heavyweight boxer, I'm about to take out my opponent and go and spend the rest of my time in Joy and Happiness. Yes, I'm tired, but so are many mothers. Yes, I'm frustrated, but I've been frustrated before and lived through it. Yes, my cha-chas are sore, but it's not a life or death thing. This is not a unique situation and I will survive it.

The gloves are on, the brain is focused and I am tired of being sad. Let's do this.

In this corner, weighing 9000 lbs, with the well-known Uppercut of Exhaustion and the Right Hook of Despair, Seeeeeeeeelllllllllfffffff Piiiiiiiiiiity!! And in this corner, completely weightless, but backed by the Power of God, Bleeeeeeeeeeesssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingssssssssss!!

*puts in teeth guard and smacks gloves together*

 *bell rings*

It's on.

Today I am thankful to have my little boy home from the hospital. *whack!*
Today I am thankful that you would never know he was born 9 weeks early *smack!*
Today I am thankful that he is able to nurse free of nursing aids or bottles (despite what that so-called lactation consultant predicted) *pow!*
Today I am thankful that I am able to stay home with him and take care of him while he's cranky and not feeling so hot (growing is hard work!). *kablooey!*
Today I am thankful for my church *jab!*
Today I am thankful that God has blessed me with an amazing husband and a beautiful son. *KA-POW!*

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10...TKO!


#6. 1-6
Today I am thankful for wonderful fellowship time spent with people who are both good friends and family. I am also thankful for a chance to meet new people who are sure to become good friends.

#5. 1-5
Today, I am thankful for a content little boy who loves to sit in his swing and just watch as I take the opportunity to do some deep-down cleaning in the kitchen.

#4. 1-4
Today I am thankful for a husband who took over baby-watching last night and allowed me to get 4, blissful, uninterrupted, wonderful hours of sleep all in a row (even though the baby was cranky and wouldn't take a bottle and threw up all over him)! Thank you, my love. I feel so much better!

#3. 1-3
Today I am thankful for a husband who will come home after a long, hard day at work and make dinner and clean up the kitchen and let me sleep, even though I haven't done anything all day long, just because I don't feel well.

#2. 1-2
Today, I am thankful for beautiful, sunny days in the middle of winter. I am thankful for little baby noises in my living room.

#1. 1-1
January 1, 2012 - Today I am thankful that E&B got to come up and bring in the New Year with us. I have missed them so much and it has been simply wonderful to spend time with them again.

December is for Outside

My goal for the month of December is to get outside every day.  Granted, that may sound silly given that December typically goes hand-in-hand with cold weather and I am an Arizona girl, but I think that going outside, whether it be going for a walk, hanging out in the backyard, or going to the store will help my state of mind. The sun makes me feel more cheerful!

November is for Prayer

Nov 1 - For this month, I'm going to be working on Prayer. I have been convicted lately that I am not praying as I should. I do pray most every day, but it tends to be while I'm in the middle of something and a stray thought crosses my mind and I just kind of toss off a prayer without giving it any thought. Now, I firmly believe that the Lord hears that prayer, but I also know that that isn't the only point to prayer.

Prayer allows me to have time with God.

Prayer gives me time to really think about my sins and to repent on them (which helps me to focus on where and how I need to change so that I become a better Christian).

Prayer is when I can really, truly focus on the needs of my family and friends and church and I can go to God for and with them.

Prayer helps me focus my heart and mind and tongue onto glorifying God and serving others.

So, the point of this goal is to spend purposeful and conscious time in prayer each day. To really examine my heart and not flinch away from it's filthiness. To repent and ask God for His mercy and blessings.

I'm not going to set a specific time for this. Maybe I'll find out that I need one, but for now, I'm just going to make it a point to pray each day.




Nov 10 - Don't you just love it when God prepares a sermon just for you? We went to a church meeting today and Elder Lassere Bradley, Jr preached a sermon about why we pray. Here are the reasons he listed (he had verses to go with them, but I was wrestling a one-year old and didn't get to write everything down).

We pray:

• Because God commands it
• To strengthen our faith
• It expresses our dependence upon Him
• Because Jesus prayed
• Because it pleases God for us to ask

Also, he said that God's purposes and promised don't replace prayer; they encourage it.

I was so blessed by this sermon. It's really helped me in this goal.




Nov 22 - Yesterday was 21 days. I have to say that I'm doing ok with this goal. I still have a hard time focusing my thoughts and settling myself down enough to really pray, but I am so much more conscious about at least remembering that I should be praying. That's a big step, I think. Don't they say that acknowledging you have a problem is half the battle? Maybe in this case, it's being aware that I need to pray is half the battle. Anyway. I definitely need to keep working on this, but I do feel that I'm doing better. Not great, but better.  Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!




Nov 30 - As November draws to an end, I am reflecting upon my endeavor to have a stronger prayer life. It did not go as well as I wanted. My flesh would find any reason to delay prayer time. Many times, I had to force myself to pray simply because I knew it was what I should be doing. Once I was there, I found I wanted to be there, but it was definitely very easy to neglect. Daily conscious prayer is not yet an ingrained habit, but it is more often at the front of my mind than it used to be, so I feel like I'm making progress. I'm going to keep working on this in December and maybe by the time I'm old, I'll have it figured out.

One Year

Dear Timothy,

Today, you are one year old.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!

Weight: 24.5 lbs
Height: 29.5"


You have two teeth now.  Right in the middle of the bottom. They make for a super-cute smile (but then, so did bare gums. Maybe you just have a super-cute smile...). They came in at the veeery end of August. We were so thankful when they finally pushed their way through. You'd been pretty miserable for about a month before and then, POP! they came up and you just calmed down. I started getting sleep again! Well....kinda. But, a 3 hour stretch of sleep is a vast improvement over you waking up every hour. You're teething again, now, and it's getting pretty bad. I think you'll have your two top teeth before very long. Update: It is November 19. You STILL do not have your top teeth. For a while there, you had three pushing through and I could see them and they were almost out and then they went back up into your head. ARGH! Oh well. I guess I'll take the extra sleep while I can get it!

Just after my last letter, you figured out how to commando crawl and you were getting around really well! You just slithered everywhere you wanted to go; you got pretty fast. Once you figured that out, you started realizing that you could move your feet independently and purposefully and it only took you a couple of days to understand the concept of walking. And then you began practicing. You really are very diligent about practicing new things. It took you almost no time to learn that if you grab onto a person's thumbs, stiffen your legs and arch your back, you can slide out of their lap into a standing position. Then, if they will cooperate with you and will stand up, you can lead them wherever you wish to go. It is your very favorite thing to do. ever. Seriously. It's all you want to do right now.

Marme and Pop got you a pretty cool little walker that looks like a cross between an old 50's-style car and a spaceship. It might be both, actually. Either way, it has a radio. After your initial (it only lasted about 3 weeks) fear and dislike of said walker, you learned how to go forward in it and you cannot be stopped. As soon as I put you in it, you turn on the radio (ok, it's not really a radio. It's a button on the steering wheel that plays 8-10 nursery songs. We call it a radio because you treat it like one. You press the button as soon as you are in the walker and as soon as one song ends, you press it again. Sometimes you press it before a song ends, as if to say "I don't like that song. Change the station!".) and away you go! You are all over the house at a faster speed and a higher altitude than ever before. You've discovered cabinet door handles. Books and knick-knacks are no longer safe. Your maneuvering capabilities are impressive. You can turn that thing on a dime! When you get all clingy, my ankles and shins take a beating because you are right up on them. I've tripped over you more than once because when I turn a direction, you immediately turn that way and head out and I am just not fast enough to beat you!

The dogs are freaked out by the walker. They don't understand it, I think. What makes it funny is that you love the dogs. L.O.V.E. them. You follow them around. When they are outside, you drive your car over to the door and stand there and watch them and sometimes, you bang on the door to get their attention. You squeal with delight when they walk to the window. And, you follow them around in your walker. And they back nervously away and run into each other and trip on things and sometimes you catch them. It's like watching the Three Stooges. Hilarious!

Somewhere in the midst of all that walking, though, you learned how to really crawl and, since that is a much faster mode of movement, you employ it often. I can hear the spat! spat!  of your fat little hands as you make your way up and down the hallway.  Now, much to my nostalgic sadness, you almost never commando crawl. In fact, the only time you commando crawl anymore is when you're being dramatic. For example: I walk away and go around the corner. You start to cry and follow me, crawling. But then, it just all becomes too much. The sadness takes over and you just. can't. go. any. further. Your legs give you and the only way you can keep moving towards your goal is to pull yourself along by your arms. But, your body is too heavy and your arms are too weak, so when you finally do see me again, you just lay your head down on the floor and sob. What a sad, sad world you live in!

You are also a little chatterbox. You talk all day long. You don't say any words yet, but you definitely have opinions on every subject. Most days I am SO curious to know what is going on in your head, but there are some days that I am so tired that I'm thankful you can't talk yet because it saves me the hassle of having to respond intelligently. You do say some form of "mama" or "mami" when you are wanting me to hold you or nurse you or when you see me. I've gotta admit; I love it! I have been trying to get you to say "daddy", but all you do is look at your daddy's chair, so I know you know who he is, but you just don't understand what "say" means.

You have also learned how to clap your hands. You get a really big smile on your face when you do this. I think you're celebrating something, but I don't know what. Maybe it's just that you like the sound of a clap.

You can also click your tongue. You practice this fairly regularly. You love to hear the sound, and being the aural little boy that you are, you also love to hear how different the clicks sound when you move your mouth in different shapes. You start out with your mouth wide, like you're saying "eee" and then move to the "oooo" shape. Back and forth you go. You find it highly entertaining when an adult clicks back at you. My favorite time though, was a few weeks ago when we were driving home from Wednesday night church. It was just you and me because your daddy has class on Wednesday nights so takes his own car and gets to church late. The sounds from the backseat went something like this:

waaaaaggggghhh
waaaaaggggghhh
click, click, click, click, click, click
waaaaaggggghhh
waaaaaggggghhh

Oh man, I laughed so hard! 


You are unstoppable at pulling up on the furniture and then walking along the edge of it. It was a very tense couple of weeks when you first started doing that because you fell over backwards a couple of times each day. It was hard on both of us. Now, though, you're so good at pulling up and walking along that you're able to go from one piece of furniture to the next and you make your way around the whole house.

You love water bottles and books and cups (all cups, not just RPC's anymore) and electrical cords (yes, you've been in trouble more than once for messing with the cords!) and buckles and knobs and handles and strings and rubber bands. Your love of the Cheers Theme Song has morphed into a love of ALL theme songs. You ignore tv except when a theme song comes on and then you ignore everything else. Somehow you know the difference between the radio (which plays on our tv) and a tv show theme song. I marvel at you.


Although you still aren't eating solid foods, nor are you sleeping through the night, life is good. You are an alert, intelligent little boy.  You are observant and friendly and you love people. You have come so far since a year ago. We had no idea how being born early was going to affect you, but it seems that it's not slowed you down a bit! 


Happy Birthday, Timothy. We are looking forward to another year with you!

Love,
Mama

I'm starting to feel better about this "Mommy" business

Remember this post?

Well, I had a conversation with a good mommy friend of mine last month about it. Finally. Indirectly, but finally. Kinda. Ok, this is getting confusing. Let's go back.


It all started...


harp music swirls, colors come together and suddenly we are waaay back in September 2012.


That Saturday night was one of the worst nights of my mommying. I had been feeling kind of blue all day, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. We went to bed, I don't even remember what time. Timothy woke up and it may have been 30 minutes or 3 hours later - I honestly don't know. What I do remember is the insane irritation, the irrational anger that I had for my baby boy. All he wanted to do was eat, but at the time I couldn't get past the thought that, once again, my sleep had been interrupted. Once again, I was having to sacrifice something I wanted to do for him. Once again, my husband was just snoring away.

It just wasn't fair.

But I got up anyway. No other choice.
 
I took the boy to the living room to nurse and sat there, stewing in my resentment. Timothy kept moving his arm back and forth, stroking my chest. It's his form of kneading (you know, like kittens do?), I guess and normally, I'm ok with it. It's not my most favorite thing; I'm not, after all, a touchy-feely type, but I usually can ignore it. It's harder for me at night. I really hate it at night. But again, I usually can get past it. Not that night. I kept trying to stop him, trying to hold his arm away or down. Anything to get him to stop. And all it did was just upset him! He started fussing and crying and waking up. So, I tried rocking him, tried patting his bottom, tried humming a lullaby and that just made it worse. All he wanted to do was move his arm around while he was nursing and I wouldn't let him.

What should have been a typical 20 minute nurse-and-back-to-bed session turned into an hour. At that point, I was done. I was so angry that I could feel the steam coming out of my ears. Why wouldn't he just settle down and go back to sleep!? I stood up and stomped down the hallway. I switched on the bathroom light with as much force as I could muster and stormed into my bedroom. Paul sat up with a start, just in time to catch the baby that I'd just thrust at him. I then ran back to the living room where I proceeded to use a pillow beat the stuffing out of the recliner. And then I screamed into said pillow. And then I just sobbed.

And the whole storm lasted all of about 3 minutes. That's it. And then came the guilt and shame. I hardly need describe it. I just kept thinking....how could a mother treat her child in such a manner?

Paul, who was finally awake and trying to figure out what had happened, brought a crying Timothy out to the living room. He was so kind and caring through it all. I nursed Timothy back to sleep (it only took about 20 minutes) and Paul sat right with me for the whole thing. I cried for a while after that and we tried to talk about it, but finally we just went to bed and he held me til we fell asleep. I love that man.

The next day, I was back in control of myself. I still felt horribly guilty about the whole thing. I still wasn't able to adequately explain why I had reacted the way I had. But, I snuggled my sweet boy and made a promise to myself that I would never do that again. EVER.

Back to the beginning of this post: I talked to a very good friend about the incident and she told me it was probably hormones and that next time I should take a Midol. I was confused and intrigued. She explained that as long as I'm breastfeeding I'll be producing hormones, and when those collide with the monthly conference of hormones that occurs, I become a homicidal maniac. "It'll probably happen as long as you breastfeed", she said. Great. I tried to ignore the implications of THAT (given that this is my first child and he definitely won't be an "only") and focus on the possibility of a solution. There was light at the end of my dark and very disturbing tunnel.


So, on to yesterday. I could feel it coming on; the irritation at the slightest thing, the petulance about never getting to do anything I want to do, the "I just need some alone time, please stop touching me and why won't you go to sleep already!?" All day it just kept brewing. I was in the middle of crying on my bed in the dark while the baby cried (he was fussing, not tantrumming. give me that, at least!) in his crib in the other room by the time I remembered her sage advice. I then resolved to go to CVS just as soon as...

...who was the genius who decided it would be a good idea to wash all her bras at the same time?

argh.

So, we waited. I didn't explode. I soothed myself with the mantra "soon. help soon.", and managed to make it to 6 pm (at which point my bras were dry and it was time to head to church). I loaded up the boy and me and pulled out of the drive only to discover a flat tire. I'll admit it. I wanted to cry. Really, really wanted to cry. But I didn't. I just busted out the stroller, walked us to CVS where I purchased the CVS version of Pamprin and a Milky Way. I took the pills, scarfed down the Milky Way and we took a leisurely walk back home.

By the time we got home, I was feeling marginally better. More in control, at least. Was the pills? The walk? The chocolate? Maybe the combination thereof. Maybe it was simply the knowledge that I was doing something to change the situation (or the fact that Paul spent the whole evening playing with Timothy and talking to me and giving me a break), but by bedtime the irritability was gone. I was very tired, but sane. And relieved. Maybe my self-diagnoses of PPD was wrong. Or maybe not. Either way, it seems that I can deal with whatever this is in it's current form.

Praise God!

9 Months

Dear Timothy,

You Are:

• 9 months old
• 22 lbs
• 28" long
• Teething like crazy, but still have nothing to show for it. There has been more than one day when I have wanted to give you away. Well...just until your teeth come in. Then you can come back. But only if you promise that I never have to hear another whine ever again. EVER. please?
• You are also curious, alert, vocal, wiggly, happy, sweet, playful, charming, and drooly. And more. You are so much more. I would love to be able to see what you see - to know what you think about - to feel what you feel. Your world must be so vibrant, so fantastically full! I imagine that all your senses are operating at full capacity right now; each touch as stimulating as the last, each smell, sound, taste, sight exquisitely new and amazing and wonderful. I try to imagine it, but I just cannot.  

You often look at the world upside down.

 

You Can:

• Roll over, back to front and front to back
• Scooch across the living room floor in a quasi-commando crawl
• Sit up unassisted (by this I mean that once I put you in the sitting position, you don't need help). You rarely fall over now.
• Use the potty. You've been doing this for about 3 months now, but you're much more consitant about it these days. You rarely poo in your diaper anymore.

You Are Not:

• Sleeping all night yet. You still wake up every 3 hours. I.Do.Not.Like.This!
• Crawling (or able to get up on your knees, even)
• Eating solid foods 
• A Thumbsucker or thumbchewer
• Signing, but we're working on that. So far I use "potty", "poop", and "all done" the most, but we also use "daddy" and "milk". You'll get there!

You Love:

• This toy (you hit the button and cycle through the sounds until the song plays, at which point, you stop playing with it until the song ends. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. 

• The Cheers Theme Song. It doesn't matter what you are doing - playing, nursing, full-on tantrum - as soon as you hear the first few notes of this song, you stop and look at the tv. You're memsmerized until the song ends, at which point, you go back to whatever you were doing before (see video). I'll admit, I've used this to my advantage more than one time, but it's awfully time consuming to have to rewind NetFlix. I'm thinking of making a mobile for your crib and using this as your song.

(and there are 60 more seconds at the beginning of this where you completely ignore the tv!)

• Being outside
• Listening to Daddy play guitar
• Being tossed up in the air
• Spoons
• Swimming

• Toes - yours or anybody's
• Playing with your toys 
• Your Johnny Jump-Up - you do the cutest little ballerina kicks!

You do NOT like:

• Baths - Well, you're much better about this now, but up until about 2 days ago, you HATED baths!
• Food - oh, you'll put it in your mouth, but you do NOT want to swallow it. You do like to suck on bacon, though, so all hope is not lost.  
• Falling backwards when you're sitting up 
• Sharing your toys (I was really hoping this wouldn't show up for a few more years months.) 
• Your Johnny Jump-Up - yes, you have a love/hate relationship with this thing. Mostly you love it, but when you don't, it's pretty hilarious to watch. You cry and whine and fuss, but you're doing your cute little ballerina kicks. Oh man! I really need to get that on video for you!

I can't wait to see what the next few months brings to us. What a blessing you are!

Love,
Mama

Resolutions Revamp

A lot has been going on these past few months, and my New Year's Resolutions have been neglected and now require a good dusting off and a revamping to fit my life at this point.


Here goes:

1. Daily Bible Study 

2. Daily prayer for my family, friends and church

3. Gratitude Posts - Daily!

4. Be a good Keeper at Home

5. Tell Paul each day how much I love him and how thankful I am for him

6. Daily walks

7. Nap/Bedtime routine for Timothy

8. Drink 3 bottles (approx 96 oz) of water everyday


9. Make smart choices about dessert/sweets


10. Take my vitamins every day

Another 21 Days

This post is going to be quite similar to the one I did last year on the same topic. In fact, I probably could just re-post that one and save myself the trouble of writing another post. But, in the interest of self-motivation, I'm going to make myself type out a new post. Last year's 21 Days of Diligence wound up being quite successful for me, although I'm not sure I ever actually made it 21 days in a row. However, there's a lot to be said for perseverance. I am much better at keeping my home than I was, and I feel like I get better every day. So, why the new post? Well, for one thing, I think it's important to re-evaluate things from time to time and for another, my goals have changed. I'm a mommy now, and with that, comes a whole new set of responsibilities.
Also, I am dealing with some depression issues.

Aw, what the heck. I've beat about the bush long enough on this one. May as well address it here (ok, so maybe this post won't be similar to that other one at all!).

Hi, my name is Jacqueline, and I'm depressed. I'm not always depressed; it comes and goes. In fact, most of the time, I feel fine. I know that depression runs in my family. My mom, her siblings, her mom, my sisters - all have been affected by it from time to time. I think it's a hormonal thing, although I'm not entirely sure what to do with that idea. I also think mine is post-partum related. It's taken me a while to come to and admit to that conclusion. Partly because I want to be strong enough not to be depressed and partly because it didn't hit right after T was born. But, I've been doing research lately, and I found that PPD can hit as late as 6 months after the baby is born and that time frame fits really well with what's been going on with me. I really do feel just fine, most of the time, which is why I blamed my moodiness on being sleep deprived, but even when I feel fine, I have this sense of something dark kind of....lurking at the edges of my mind. It's fairly easy to ignore it if I stay busy, but if I sit still, it's very obvious. And then, like a blanket, I can feel it start to pull over me, and there is very little I can do to stave it off. There is no one thing that sets it off. One minute, I'll be happy and laughing and the next I am overwhelmed at the very idea of life and I spend ages trapped in a quagmire of self-doubt and loathing and worry and fear. And guilt. Guilt because - well, what do I have to be depressed about? I have been given every blessing in the world. I have everything I need and most of the things I want and there is no reason to be depressed. But I am. And I feel so ungrateful.

So, that's that. I finally got tired of crying all the time and of feeling like what I do as a wife/mother/child of God doesn't matter. So I researched and I've come up with my first plan of attack to beat this thing. It may not work, but I feel so much better just knowing that I am trying something.

I've recently updated my New Year's Resolutions to help me in this endeavor. For now, I'm concentrating on ways (focusing on spiritual growth and making healthful decisions to make my body stronger) to help me through the depression. 

Spiritual Growth - I have not been meeting the Lord as I should be. I haven't been worshiping him or studying His word. I believe that if I were more familiar with the Bible and my Lord, the depression would be easier to bear. I expect that I will always battle depression, but maybe that cross won't be quite so heavy or overwhelming if I am able to keep the Lord's word at the front of my mind.

Physical Health - I have read that a lot of times depression is a result of things in the body not working quite right. Hypothyroid has a huge effect on the body and can result in depression. Again, this tends to run in my family (although, all the tests come out normal, our thyroid levels are always on the low side of normal). Other physical issues like eating properly and getting exercise can have a big impact on depression. To that end, I am going to be taking a fermented cod liver oil/butter oil blend to help with my vitamin d (amongst others) levels, as well as eating unrefined sea salt to get the naturally occurring iodine to help boost my thyroid levels. I am also going to eat as cleanly as I can. I'm cutting out as much processed foods as I am able. When I do eat packaged foods, I'm limiting the ingredients to 10 or fewer and I'd prefer to be able to pronounce them. I am eating more fats, as well as making sure I have a serving of dark, leafy greens and vegetables with lunch and dinner. I'm making sure that I get a good breakfast with lots of protein and fat so that I feel energized for my day and am not so tempted to snack on the bad-for-me things. I am trying to drink at least 96 oz of water every day (my water bottle is 32 oz). I also plan to get out of the house every day. Timothy and I take walks to the library and around our neighborhood. We also go outside to hang the laundry on the line.

Environment - I have developed a schedule to help me stay on top of my housework. I have found that when my home is clean, I feel peaceful and energized and happy. I sink into depression more easily when I am facing a mountain of house work. You can see my schedule here.

Paul and I have talked about this a lot these past few days. It took me a long time to admit to him what was going on. It was hard because I don't like to bother him with stuff. He works so hard to provide for us and it just seems unfair to add something else to his shoulders. But, I finally figured out that I cannot do this by myself, and he is my greatest source of encouragement. He's been really good about it all (something tells me that he's just as happy as I am to have a plan of attack). He goes back to school on 8/27, and that's our first deadline. We're hoping that a month of hitting these goals will show an improvement in my depression. We set that goal because when he goes back to school, there will be two days a week where I am on my own for longer hours than usual and when the depression hits, the last thing I need to be is on my own - particularly when Timothy is not feeling well. It is just a bad situation. Anyway, we decided that if we don't see some kind of improvement by then, we'll re-evaluate and see what else (more/different vitamins or supplements, pharmaceutical help, etc) needs to happen to make sure that I am able to overcome this.

Please pray for us. This isn't easy.

7 Months

Dear Timothy,

Hi Baby! Today, you are 7 months old. WOW! The last three months have been chalk full of changes for you. I almost don't know where to begin! I guess I'll start at the usual place and go from there.


The stats:

Age: 7 months
Weight: 20.5 lbs
Length (when does this change to "height", do you suppose?): 26"
Nicknames: Dopey, Chub-Chubs, Bubba, Drooly McDroolerson, and the recently coined Rojito*

THIS is why we call you Dopey.

Since my last letter, you have learned a lot of new things. You still notice everything, and watch it all so intently. I like watching you discover new things and sometimes you discover old things again and again and again (like the living room ceiling fan. yes, it's still there. yes, it's always been there. No, you don't need to check again.), but you get SO distracted that pesky little details like eating and sleeping get put on the back burner while you attempt to explore everything in your world. It has gotten so bad that the only way to get you to settle down and eat and sleep is to go into a dark room with you. Let me tell you what, Mister: I really don't like doing that. It's boring! Ok, so maybe that makes me the worst mama in the world, but it is. I just have to sit there and wait. But, I suppose that one day, I'll look back on this with fondness.

You now love playing with toys. Big toys, little toys. All toys are equal in your eyes. As long as they can be touched and/or chewed on, toys are good. Red Plastic Cups are the absolute BEST toys right now, so you really love going to church. There are a lot of RPC's at church.

In Thumbsucking world, you are now a Master at putting your thumb in your mouth. The sucking part? Not so much. You are a Thumb-Chewer. Sometimes you are a Thumb-Plus-One-or-More-Other-Fingers-Chewer. Sometimes you are an Entire-Fist-Chewer. Eeeeevery so often, you manage to pull a vacuum on your thumb for all of 2 whole sucks. I think the sound startles you because you kind of flinch away from it and then it will be ages before it happens again.

Since the beginning of May, you have been teething. Along with that has come a TON of drool and chewing. Anybody who hugs you is guaranteed to walk away a little wetter than they were before. You still don't have anything to show for it, though. I've been told that it can take months (yes, you read that correctly) before any teeth show up. I'm not real thrilled with that prospect because you have become kinda...cranky. There. I said it. You, Baby Boy, have become a cranky little monster. I didn't want to tell you because I know you're in pain and I wanted to show support and sympathy, but enough is enough already! You need to stop complaining.

Ok, I've rolled over. NOW what?

You have also learned to roll over. Well...kinda. You can roll from your back to your tummy (turning toward the right), which is pretty cool. You had been working on it for a couple of weeks and finally figured it out on May 24.  It seems like as soon as you figured out how to roll over, you started trying to get your knees up underneath you. So now, I lay you on the floor and you roll over, push up with your arms, playing with whatever you can reach, try out the knee thing and then fuss because you don't know what else to do. It's pretty cute. Probably made cuter by the fact that you'll only do it sans diaper. Don't ask me. I don't know what it is that makes you tick.

You are starting to recognize words. When we play Stand-Up, Sit-Down, I don't have to tug on your arms anymore. I just tell you which to do and you do it! It's pretty fun. You stand right up, but it takes you awhile to sit down (I understand. Sit Down takes more trust. You can't see where your bottom is going.). We are starting to teach you sign language. Just basic stuff (food, more, milk, etc). It's pretty fun to learn.

You are very much a people-person. You like to be around people and see what's going on. As long as you are being held by someone (or really, just in the vicinity of people you can see), you are a happy camper. You love talking to Marme and Pop and Grandma and Uncle Sam.

In March, Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Aysha, Aunt Cecy and Uncle Jonathan came out to visit us. They loved getting to meet you and Grandma loved getting to see how you've grown and changed since you were in the hospital.

 You charmed them with your easy smiles and sweet attitude. I hope you always have that effect on people.

In May, you got to meet Aunt Aimee. She thinks you're pretty swell. You really liked her, too.

So sweet!

"Here, daddy. This is where your code went wrong. I fix it."

Watching Magnum, p.i. Truly a man's activity!

Your very favorite person, though, is your daddy. You light up and start wiggling like a puppy as soon as you see him. You kind of arch your back towards him, and I know that, if you could, you would run to him. You are definitely a Daddy's Boy. You love to do things with him. I can see the future so clearly; you following him into the shop and being underfoot as he fixes the cars, trying to do everything he does, repeating what he says. It's a beautiful picture.

You love to listen to him play guitar. It doesn't matter what you're doing; as soon as he starts playing, you stop and turn to where he is and listen until he's done.










Well, Baby Boy, it's time to end this letter. I love you very much and I am so happy to be your mama. You are so very precious and such a blessing to us.

Love,
Mama



*This may or may not be Spanish for Little Red. In all likelihood, it doesn't actually mean that, but we're pretending it does.

Adventures in Babysitting - April 2012

Rockin' the Camo Hat

"It's Hot! Now I shall cool off my tummy!"

"It's ok, Dackin. I push da baby in da stroller. I a big boy!"

Post-walk Hat Hair

Mid-walk Snooze. Note the Goldfish cracker resting ever so carefully on his blankie.
Don't move it. It's a gift from Lil J - a surprise for when he wakes up.

Lil J was nervous about making it back home, so he left a trail for us to follow.

Caught trying to make his escape. Curse that too-small hole!

"That's right, minion, now...FASTER!"

"What? Haven't you ever seen a baby in a bucket before?"

"You may be bigger and be able to pin me down, but I am squishing your head!"

sup?

"Once upon a time...."

"Here's a dinosaur toy for you to play with!"

"No, no no! It goes in your MOUTH. Right here, see?"

"Thaaaat's right! Good job!"

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Adventures in Babysitting - March 2012

The walk was a bit longer than planned

"This stroller isn't big enough for the both of us!"

nap, day 1

T is unsure about this swing that goes back and forth. Note the slightly panicked expression.

"Have a toy!" "Thanks! ... what do I do with it?"

"Nevermind. I'll play with it."

Too tired to even finish that one last goldfish cracker.

Sweet!

Let's try again with this toy thing...

Or...maybe not. What now?

Sittin' in the high chair like a big boy!

Man! Those walks are HARD WORK!

"whoa...you can drink out of a sippy cup?! You are SO cool!"

Pile o' babies

naps are a wonderful thing

"Take our picture, Dackin!"

My view on walks. So sweet!