This post is going to be quite similar to the one I did last year on the same topic. In fact, I probably could just re-post that one and save myself the trouble of writing another post. But, in the interest of self-motivation, I'm going to make myself type out a new post. Last year's 21 Days of Diligence wound up being quite successful for me, although I'm not sure I ever actually made it 21 days in a row. However, there's a lot to be said for perseverance. I am much better at keeping my home than I was, and I feel like I get better every day. So, why the new post? Well, for one thing, I think it's important to re-evaluate things from time to time and for another, my goals have changed. I'm a mommy now, and with that, comes a whole new set of responsibilities.
Also, I am dealing with some depression issues.
Aw, what the heck. I've beat about the bush long enough on this one. May as well address it here (ok, so maybe this post won't be similar to that other one at all!).
Hi, my name is Jacqueline, and I'm depressed. I'm not always depressed; it comes and goes. In fact, most of the time, I feel fine. I know that depression runs in my family. My mom, her siblings, her mom, my sisters - all have been affected by it from time to time. I think it's a hormonal thing, although I'm not entirely sure what to do with that idea. I also think mine is post-partum related. It's taken me a while to come to and admit to that conclusion. Partly because I want to be strong enough not to be depressed and partly because it didn't hit right after T was born. But, I've been doing research lately, and I found that PPD can hit as late as 6 months after the baby is born and that time frame fits really well with what's been going on with me. I really do feel just fine, most of the time, which is why I blamed my moodiness on being sleep deprived, but even when I feel fine, I have this sense of something dark kind of....lurking at the edges of my mind. It's fairly easy to ignore it if I stay busy, but if I sit still, it's very obvious. And then, like a blanket, I can feel it start to pull over me, and there is very little I can do to stave it off. There is no one thing that sets it off. One minute, I'll be happy and laughing and the next I am overwhelmed at the very idea of life and I spend ages trapped in a quagmire of self-doubt and loathing and worry and fear. And guilt. Guilt because - well, what do I have to be depressed about? I have been given every blessing in the world. I have everything I need and most of the things I want and there is no reason to be depressed. But I am. And I feel so ungrateful.
So, that's that. I finally got tired of crying all the time and of feeling like what I do as a wife/mother/child of God doesn't matter. So I researched and I've come up with my first plan of attack to beat this thing. It may not work, but I feel so much better just knowing that I am trying something.
I've recently updated my New Year's Resolutions to help me in this endeavor. For now, I'm concentrating on ways (focusing on spiritual growth
and making healthful decisions to make my body stronger) to help me
through the depression.
Spiritual Growth - I have not been meeting the Lord as I should be. I haven't been worshiping him or studying His word. I believe that if I were more familiar with the Bible and my Lord, the depression would be easier to bear. I expect that I will always battle depression, but maybe that cross won't be quite so heavy or overwhelming if I am able to keep the Lord's word at the front of my mind.
Physical Health - I have read that a lot of times depression is a result of things in the body not working quite right. Hypothyroid has a huge effect on the body and can result in depression. Again, this tends to run in my family (although, all the tests come out normal, our thyroid levels are always on the low side of normal). Other physical issues like eating properly and getting exercise can have a big impact on depression. To that end, I am going to be taking a fermented cod liver oil/butter oil blend to help with my vitamin d (amongst others) levels, as well as eating unrefined sea salt to get the naturally occurring iodine to help boost my thyroid levels. I am also going to eat as cleanly as I can. I'm cutting out as much processed foods as I am able. When I do eat packaged foods, I'm limiting the ingredients to 10 or fewer and I'd prefer to be able to pronounce them. I am eating more fats, as well as making sure I have a serving of dark, leafy greens and vegetables with lunch and dinner. I'm making sure that I get a good breakfast with lots of protein and fat so that I feel energized for my day and am not so tempted to snack on the bad-for-me things. I am trying to drink at least 96 oz of water every day (my water bottle is 32 oz). I also plan to get out of the house every day. Timothy and I take walks to the library and around our neighborhood. We also go outside to hang the laundry on the line.
Environment - I have developed a schedule to help me stay on top of my housework. I have found that when my home is clean, I feel peaceful and energized and happy. I sink into depression more easily when I am facing a mountain of house work. You can see my schedule here.
Paul and I have talked about this a lot these past few days. It took me a long time to admit to him what was going on. It was hard because I don't like to bother him with stuff. He works so hard to provide for us and it just seems unfair to add something else to his shoulders. But, I finally figured out that I cannot do this by myself, and he is my greatest source of encouragement. He's been really good about it all (something tells me that he's just as happy as I am to have a plan of attack). He goes back to school on 8/27, and that's our first deadline. We're hoping that a month of hitting these goals will show an improvement in my depression. We set that goal because when he goes back to school, there will be two days a week where I am on my own for longer hours than usual and when the depression hits, the last thing I need to be is on my own - particularly when Timothy is not feeling well. It is just a bad situation. Anyway, we decided that if we don't see some kind of improvement by then, we'll re-evaluate and see what else (more/different vitamins or supplements, pharmaceutical help, etc) needs to happen to make sure that I am able to overcome this.
Please pray for us. This isn't easy.
