Wait....where did September go?

So, it just occurred to me that I went the whole month of September without posting anything. ("Now I feel really bad. Bad Llama.")

And then it occurred to me that I have NO idea where September went. The last thing I remember, it was August, I was student teaching and questioning the last 5 years of my life. Yeah, to say the least, I HATED student teaching right from the start.

Student Teaching. Two seemingly innocuous (though, yes, slightly redundant) words. Separate, they are simple, and almost meaningless. Student (anybody learning anything). Teaching (the act of imparting knowledge to another). No big deal. Put them together, however, and they suddenly take on mythical proportions; They come to have the ability to inspire emotions so strong that they suck the air right out of your lungs, make your heart move to places it does not belong (throat, toes, etc.), tie your guts into knots so intricate that no sailor could ever undo them, and just generally wreak havoc upon you; mind, body and soul. Don't get me wrong. In the beginning, I was really excited about it. Excited that I only had one semester to go before I became a real adult. One more semester, after which I no longer had to do homework. Oh, there were nerves, but I generally believe that I can do anything I want to do. Then the semester started. I had control of 3 classes 100% of the time from Day One. To put this into perspective for you, the other music education student teachers still don't have 100% control of ONE class (and it's October). Within two weeks, I was teaching 4 of the 5 classes. To say the least, it was a tad bit overwhelming. At first, I was on a major energy high. Teaching was great! The students call me "Miss". I had not been wasting the last 5 years of my life. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Then the teaching started (the first couple of days were spent with housekeeping things) and I figured out that it is a far different thing to sit in a classroom and talk about what you will do when you have your own classroom, and actually being in a classroom, with 40 students staring at you waiting for you to make a decision, troubleshoot a problem, or teach them a new concept. All of the energy was sucked right out of me, only to be replaced by doubts. I was exhausted and sad and depressed, thinking that I had, in fact, wasted the last 5 years, pursuing a degree for which I am not cut out. It is too hard. There is too much energy and passion required. I do not have this energy. I do not have this passion. I do not have this knowledge.
But then, somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd week of September, something happened. I was reminded that I am supposed to be serving God with joy. That I should be following His plan for my life, whether that means teaching, or scrubbing floors, with joy and thanksgiving. I should be praising and honoring Him in all that I say, do and think. I started praying. I mean, REALLY praying. Oh, I always have this running dialogue with God going on in my head, but it's mostly observations and momentary wants and needs. Clearly that wasn't working. So, I started asking God to teach me to serve Him with joy and to follow His plan for my life. I asked Him to help me to be a better teacher, but more importantly, to show Him to my students.
The very next day was one of the best days I have EVER had. I taught well, kept the students on task and was able to teach key concepts. And something interesting is that I didn't go back to that energy high of the beginning of the year. I was just very calm. No worries, God is in control. Since that time, I have prayed daily that God will be with me and will help to grow as a teacher. And these have been just amazing weeks. My teaching is getting better every day. I am figuring things out and I am getting back the me that laughed at everything and didn't worry so much. Oh, I have bad days (yesterday was no walk in the park), but I think that I have figured out that this IS where I am supposed to be and that this IS what I am supposed to be doing with my life. It's a calm knowledge, a feeling of rightness. It's a good feeling. It's amazing how you can go through your whole life, believing in God and spouting the ideals, but not really BELIEVING that they will work. It's amazing that God loves us like he does.