Fear

I have never before known this kind of fear. Oh, I've had fear; fear of heights, spiders, small spaces, underwater. Yeah, I'm just neurotic enough that that list could continue for awhile. But those kinds of fears are personal. They only affect me and I know they are caused by me and not some external source. I'm afraid of heights. Heights did not purposely scare me by causing me to fall. I'm afraid of spiders. I've never been threatened by a spider. I'm afraid of being in small spaces or crowds. I know that those fears are internal and somehow, I'm able to live with that. I'm able to deal with those fears because they stem from within me. The fact that they are internal gives me a little power over them.

But this....

I have never before been afraid to live here. Not even after witnessing the drive-by was I shaken at the thought of going outside by myself, or going for a run around the neighborhood or walking my dog. I always felt safe. Until Monday night. On Monday night, I drove home after work and had just made the 2nd to last turn before I got home. There was a very large man making his way across the street, so I slowed down for him and then pulled to a stop to let him cross. As he made his way across the street (from Left to Right), he locked eyes with me. At which point, I locked the door. (As I said, he was a Very Large Man.) He walked nonchalantly to the front of my car, on the passenger side and stopped, staring me down. So, being weirded out, I decided not to hang around until he decided to move, but rather to employ my oh-so-convenient Power Steering and go around and as I did so, he hit the side of my car with his fist.

So where does that leave me? At first, I was just a little weirded out. I couldn't decide what I had seen in his face. I don't know if it was malice or pleasure or both. Part of me thinks he wasn't all there - he had kind of the slack features of one who doesn't think as quickly as he should. The other part of me, however, is frightened.

Oh, I don't think he's going to hunt me down. I doubt he even paid attention to where I turned after I pulled around him (it was still several streets from my turn) and even if he did, he'd have to knock on a few doors before he found me. Unless he got my license plate number......which I didn't think of until now. You see how the paranoia works? Suddenly I go from running after dark by myself (and telling my brother to "call me in 20 minutes if I'm not home"), to rechecking to make sure my door is locked as I'm driving and racing into the house as quickly as possible after I get home. I won't go running by myself 'just in case', I have no desire to open that front door again once I get home, and I think twice about checking the mail.

What's weird is that this is the most I've thought about it since it happened. I'm not consciously looking over my shoulder and worrying about what might happen to me. I've just been having this unsettled feeling when I'm driving in my neighborhood and it finally occurred to me why.

So what do I do about it?